Controversy

"...We need a little controversy/'Cause it feels so empty without me."
-Eminem

The undisputed king of rappers made this statement, and it brought me to thinking on the current election. The presidency has been portrayed in recent years as nothing less than a dictatorship. Indeed, hearing the candidates talk you would think that they had taken on Messianic roles to cure all ills of the world. For some reason, instead of playing the traditional game of "cheat the prophet" (see Chesterton's The Napoleon of Notting Hill for a full explanation of this game), the populace is willing to go on with this charade. No one seems to realize that after all is said and done, there are still two other branches of the government and literally hundreds of members of Congress. The latter happen to be reponsible for most things that touch our lives: taxes, laws, boring speeches on C-Span, etc. Why then is there such a hubub every election year? Why are millions of dollars (which could surely be going to something useful) pumped into campaigns? I have a theory.

Americans love to argue. They always have and always will. It shows on every level of society. It is the Great Social Equalizer (along with the stuff you have in your eyes when you wake up) that unites this great land. There are so many issues that hundreds and thousands of groups polarize behind them, ending up with a fractured society that cynics can point at and cackle in glee. However, the greatest cynics of all, the news media, are not satisfied by merely pitting gun nuts against animal rights nuts, or finding out whether people are pro-Britney or against her existence altogether. Nay, they seek greater spoils. One might imagine an NBC mogul sitting in his office; his jaw is slack, his eyelids lowered, he is deep in a daydream. In this daydream he has somehow managed to polarize the entire country into two deeply divided and partisan groups. Ranks of fanatical citizens fall in line behind their factions and spend billions of dollars on propaganda to convince themselves that they are the right choice. Leaders for the factions are picked and made to spout the most Godawful rhetoric that would make a monkey blush. At this, the powerful man behind the desk awakes, probably because he has begun to salivate at the prospect. Then, as he ponders, he realizes that with a little prodding, he can push the country into the situation he desires. Thus, election year is born. Its purpose? To provide more controversy that even Hollywood cannot rival.

There, you are now enlightened. Go forth wiser, and somewhat chastened that you have been duped so well.